


Taschenrechner

by rosemarygreen



Category: Kraftwerk (Band)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:41:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6555718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemarygreen/pseuds/rosemarygreen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Pocket Calculator” is a rare case of an openly major song by Kraftwerk. The song is overtly childish in its gleefulness, and so is the story of its creation. In this story, I wanted to (re)create the atmosphere of this playful childishness. What I ended up with is an almost “curtain fic”: the Kraftwerk guys go shopping on Christmas Eve and... weirdness ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taschenrechner

**Location: A department store in Düsseldorf on Christmas Eve 1980.**

FLORIAN: I hate shops. Too much of everything. Too many people. Not minimalistic enough.

WOLFGANG: If shops were music…

FLORIAN: I wouldn’t play it.

RALF: We came here to make it more minimalistic, guys. Let’s make it quick. Who’s got a list?

**5 minutes later. Grocery section.**

RALF: We need coffee.

FLORIAN: Two cans.

RALF: Make it five cans. Our coffee machine needs a regular workout.

FLORIAN: Also jam. A jar.

RALF: Make it three jars.

FLORIAN: Milk.

RALF: Chocolate.

FLORIAN: Fruit.

RALF: Ice cream.

**10 minutes later. Home Electronics section.**

FLORIAN: Look, garlands. Let’s buy them. We need some Christmas tree decorations.

RALF: Take some batteries, too.

FLORIAN (agitated): Look, radio-controlled toy cars. Let’s buy them for my collection.

RALF: Happy childhood, Florian?

FLORIAN: It’s not like we had lots of toys when we were growing up… Look, a toy railroad.

RALF: We’ve already got train tickets to Zürich for Christmas holidays.

FLORIAN: Look… where are Wolfgang and Karl?

**Ralf and Florian look around. The 5,000-square metres space is full of people and none of them are Wolfgang or Karl.**

RALF: We’re _always_ having problems with drummers.

FLORIAN: Let’s search for them.

RALF: Good, you go left, I go right. Meet me at the checkout.

FLORIAN: We should probably buy a couple of these novelty portable phones.

RALF: Florian, phones and us… zero chemistry.

**10 minutes later. Books section.**

RALF: Florian. What are you doing here?

FLORIAN: (leafing through an adult magazine). I got lost.

RALF: In pin-up girls?

FLORIAN: (smiles).

RALF: Put the magazine in the basket.

FLORIAN: Let’s call them over the PA.

RALF: (listens) Wait… can you hear that?

FLORIAN: (listens) Sounds like our song.

**Ralf and Florian follow the sound. It’s coming from the Toys section.**

FLORIAN: Are you sure about the direction, Ralf?

RALF: Trust my instincts.

FLORIAN: Did EMI commission a Latino remix for it? They should have asked us first.

**Ralf and Florian go along the aisle and, in the toy musical instruments section, find Wolfgang and Karl. Wolfgang is playing the maracas. Karl is playing the xylophone.**

RALF: Guys, it’s good that you’re rehearsing 24/7 but, come on, it’s Christmas Eve, have a break.

FLORIAN: Why are you knocking on wood, Karl?

RALF: You’ve got the vibraphone and marimba in the studio.

FLORIAN: What are you, twelve?

KARL: But I’m the baby of the family!

WOLFGANG: One.

KARL: Two.

WOLFGANG: Three.

KARL: Four.

WOLFGANG and KARL: are playing “Stairway to Heaven”.

RALF: Guys, it’s not a guitar shop.

WOLFGANG: Exactly!

SHOP ASSISTANT PASSING BY: Excuse me, gentlmen, but playing Led Zeppelin test tunes on these instruments is strongly discouraged. Try “Kling, Glöckchen”.

RALF: (sighs) Okay… let’s give them some time to have fun. Look, stationery. I need a new day planner.

FLORIAN: Do we have enough money on us?

RALF: Here are some calculators over there, let’s count… Chocolate, ten bars. 10 DM.

FLORIAN: (presses keys, they make a sound). It’s not DM, it’s AM.

RALF: Milk. 1,20 DM.

FLORIAN: C plus E plus G… equals F.

RALF (puzzled): How can this arpeggio equal F? It should be a three-note chord.

FLORIAN: _Triad_ is the term, maestro.

**5 minutes later. Stationery section.**

RALF: Toy cars. 48 DM.

WOLFGANG: Hey, Karl, what are the guys doing?

KARL: Proving that maths equals music, I guess. Ralf must have overlistened to that Xenakis record we’ve got him.

RALF: Ice cream. 0,23 DM. And the total is?

FLORIAN: 55,30 DM.

RALF: Too low. Are you sure you have not made an error?

FLORIAN: I didn't have a lot of training in solo calculator improvisation.

RALF: It’s not improvisation, Florian, it’s all scored down to a pfennig.

FLORIAN: Let’s do an encore. I like their sound.

RALF: Hey, Wolfgang, come here and read us the bars… sorry, the barcodes. We’ll play ensemble.

WOLFGANG: What? All right, 3 DM… 5 DM… 1 DM... 2,30 DM.

KARL: Four DMs in a row – that’s a very repetitive chord progression. Even for us. (plays random rhythm tracks on the xylophone to alleviate the monotony).

RALF: (presses keys).

FLORIAN: (presses keys).

WOLFGANG: 4,25 DM… 3,40 DM… 2 DM…

RALF: Florian, you’re multiplying a wrong note.

KARL: Yeah, they should beep in unison.

RALF: And you needn’t play _sin_ / _cos_ to calculate the price of two ice creams.

FLORIAN: I know, they just sound good. Especially in combination with the _tan_ key.

WOLFGANG: Guys, wouldn’t it be easier to use mental arithmetic?

RALF: (adding) Why apply old-fashioned technology? I’ve had enough of mathematics at school and university.

KARL: What are you gonna say when “Smash Hits” asks you “what’s 12 x 8 divided by 6?”

FLORIAN: (adding) I’m a musician, not a mathematician.

RALF: (adding) I doubt “Smash Hits” ever gets to us.

WOLFGANG: … and 13 DM for the xylophone.

RALF: 98,07 DM.

FLORIAN: 98,07 DM. Korrekt!

**Applause breaks. Ralf, Florian, Wolfgang and Karl look around. A small crowd of people gathered while they were playing.**

AUDIENCE: Thank you for the music!

RALF: (winces) Don’t mention ABBA to me.

WOLFGANG: That’s the first chamber gig we’ve played in years!

KARL: It was a _number_ gig, Wolfgang.

WOLFGANG: Yes, a chamber number gig.

FLORIAN: Cooler than The Beatles on the roof! Ralf, we should buy a few of these little beep machines and form a Taschenrechner Orchester. (calculates) That’ll be just 110,8 DM.

KARL (sympathetically): You still regret quitting classical music career, don’t you, Florian?

GEEKBOY FROM THE CROWD: No, they come with a 0,94 DM discount each.

FLORIAN: Damn it, doesn’t compute! (throws the calculator on the floor).

RALF: Hey, Florian, who do you think we are, The Who? Why break instruments after the gig?

SHOP ASSISTANT IN THE AUDIENCE: Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to pay for the damaged goods.

RALF: Oh well, let’s take these damaged goods home and see if our engineers can customize them for us.

SHOP ASSISTANT IN THE AUDIENCE: I suggest you also buy Texas Instruments’ Speak & Math to hone your arithmetic performance.

**Christmas night in KlingKlang Studios, 2 am. The guests are drunk and sleeping. Ralf, Florian, Wolfgang and Karl are playing under the Christmas tree.**

FLORIAN (operating a toy Mercedes): Here I go 130 km per hour… whoosh.

KARL: (plays “Cars” by Gary Numan on a pocket calculator).

RALF (operating a police car): Stop, police here. Herr Schneider, show me your driver’s license.

FLORIAN: But it’s autobahn, no speed limit and I’m coming home for Christmas.

RALF: You’re not in Düsseldorf anymore, it’s Texas. Your speed was over 80 mph, pay the fine.

FLORIAN: I’ve got no money, spent it all in the supermarket, bye!

RALF: I’m after you!

WOLFGANG: Wreeeeeoooo-wee-woo!

KARL: (plays “Chase” by Giorgio Moroder on a pocket calculator).

WOLFGANG: It’s an iceberg! Bump! Crash!

FLORIAN: It’s an ice cream, you fool. There aren’t any icebergs in Texas. (manoeuvres the car around it).

RALF: Urgent. I need help catching a criminal. Send Officer Flür.

WOLFGANG (operating a police car): On my way.

FLORIAN: I’ll show you my Formula 1 skills… Damn it, the Black Sea. (the Mercedes crashes into a cup of hot chocolate).

WOLFGANG: There’s no Black Sea in Texas!

FLORIAN: Fine, then it was an oil well.

KARL: Call the fire brigade!

RALF: Everybody stop, the red traffic light is on.

WOLFGANG: It’s a garland, Officer Hütter.

KARL: So, Texas or Kansas? (segues into “Somewhere over the Rainbow”).

FLORIAN: (steers the car out of the black pool) Damn it, should’ve taken a train…

WOLFGANG: Look, Officer, there’s a girl, let’s give her a lift…

RALF: We’re at work, Officer Flür, first catch the driver...

**Author's Note:**

> In reality, they obviously bought those famous calculators from a department store, but for the purposes of this story I had to make it look more like a supermarket.
> 
> I'd like to thank a lot the members of LiveJournal fact-checking community Little Details germankitty and rebecca2525 who have helped me clarify the details about shopping in Germany in the 1980s.
> 
> For the story of “Pocket Calculator” creation please listen to this 1981 interview (from 8:24).  
> https://soundcloud.com/strictly/tommy-vance-kraftwerk


End file.
